Stupid Is as Stupid Does - Encore

Well some of you may have read my earlier entry entitled Stupid Is as Stupid Does and I am just overflowing with dumb things I've done in my life so this is a continuation of that blog.

By the way, I received a nice comment about that entry, which I have reprinted here:

We read about the stupid things you did and may we say that if those are the most stupid things you've ever done in your life, consider yourself truly lucky. We've done way more moronic things than that - for example, before coming into office each of us had our brains amputated. Yet here we are, still making policy for the great state of California. I guess we're proud to say we were elected by our peers. So, Monkeyboy, you just hang in there because as we are the living example, things could indeed be worse. And by the way, if you're planning on doing more stupid things in the future we'd like to help fund it by directing some tax money your way. Sincerely, and thanks in advance for your vote, The Democrats of the California State Assembly.

So, energized by the encouragement I received, I now present to you more stupid things I've done in my life:

Moving from the first entry's elementary school setting to junior high, I sat in back of Eva Q. in Miss Hutton's history class. Eva was very nice, bright, personable and also plump. We used to chat a lot when the teacher wasn't paying attention. Well one day curiousity got the better of me and I asked her how much she weighed. I was genuinely curious and honesly had no ill intentions. She was taken aback by this question but politely demurred saying something like how she couldn't tell me something like that. I was persistent, though, and kept saying I wasn't going to tell anyone (which I wasn't) and just let me know because I was wondering about how much she weighed so just tell me real quick and I'll stop asking. Eva kept smiling but kept refusing, too, and finally we had to stop our conversation and I never did find out. At the time I really saw nothing wrong with asking a pointed, nosy and impolite question like that. So Eva if by some infinitesimal chance you should ever read this, I offer my humblest apologies for being an idiot that day.

Now moving farther back to the days before elementary school, I can remember one time when I told my older sister that I had trouble falling asleep at night. Of course being one who hated bedtime, it wasn't surprising that I didn't want to sleep, yet when there was really nothing to do once the lights were out I figured I might as well sleep. Except it took me a while to do it and the more you think about it the more you stay awake.

My sister had the solution, though. All you have to do, she told me, is hold onto my big toe and you'll fall asleep. Absurdity aside, had I been critically thinking about her statement I would have
pointed out that this remedy would be of little use at night since we had different bedrooms. Instead, I was happy because this was such an easy fix, even though it did involve holding her stinky toe for a while. I asked how long I would have to hold it. Not very long, just a little while. That's all I have to do? Just hold the toe and nothing else? She assured me it was that simple.

I couldn't believe that this was all I had to do, and here I had spent all those previous nights tossing and turning and waiting to fall asleep. You want to try it out now? she asked. I nodded. So I grabbed onto her big toe and sat there and waited. Maybe I wasn't doing it right because I didn't feel the least bit sleepy but she encouraged me to hold on because soon I would fall asleep. So there I sat until finally my sister couldn't keep a straight face. Honestly, I don't remember if I was more mad that she had made a fool of me and had me holding her big stinky toe for so long, or more disappointed that there really existed no quick fix to fall asleep. I really wanted to believe it even though it made no sense and if I had any money on me I probably would have given it to her in exchange for the secret.

As I look back on that now, I see that sometimes adults aren't any different.

Here's the last thing, for this entry anyway. Our kitchen wall had two little holes in it. I figured out that God and Santa Claus were behind the wall watching me to see if I was being a good boy. Pretty clever, huh? That's why I never had nerve enough to go up to those holes and look inside. Now I did have enough sense to think about physically what was behind that wall. The answer was, a bedroom closet. So God and Santa Claus must be sitting inside my bedroom closet, watching me as I go past. A few times I even sneaked to the door and opened it up quickly to see if I could catch them but either they were too quick or they were invisible. Or maybe there was still some secret area between the closet and the kitchen wall on the other side that I couldn't see.

So whenever I was in the kitchen I would make it a point to be on my best behavior. I would stand up straight and hold my head up, accumulating brownie points by demonstrating that I was being a very good boy. See God? See Santa? I am being good. I am behaving myself. That way God wouldn't punish me and Santa would bring me good presents. I imagined them conversing with each other, exchanging positive opinions about that little boy being so good.

So was I stupid or what? Of course, I got wise and now know that God and Santa ride around in police cars.